In The Jungle!

Instability! How many times a day you feel unstable, unsafe and lost. Instability has its own  definition for everyone, for me instability has to do with the fear of being violated, whether on the streets or from friends or even family members, but if i would have only one definition of instability it will be impossible for me, so I will categorize my insecurities and instabilities.1) Socially: Fear of being alone and being left out. 2) Emotionally: Fear of being alone and unappreciated. 3) Education/Career: Fear of not accomplishing my dreams and fear of failure, fear of being ordinary, just nothing but ordinary. 4) Spiritually: Fear of not being close to God, fear of not being what he wants me to be. 5) Uncatgorized: Fear of not being who I am!

Well I guess every one can have his own categories that define insatiability. To sum it all up , our instabilities are like different groups of animals, some of them are living peacefully with us, and yet they can be annoying and others can possibly eat us. Jungle animals, they are the unbearable creatures that can possibly harm us, but in the jungle there are rules that guard every herd, the rules states that every herd, should stay away from the properties of each herd. No herd is ever allowed to violate the privacy of any other unless they might have major threat on the mentioned herd.

These rules are simple to follow, and they do guard animals, but they will never guard a human, so if a human was stuck in the jungle it will be impossible for him to get out safely, so he has to make up his own rules, his own lifestyle so he can cope with the animals. He wont be unharmed but when he learn how to tame them all the suffering will end. and the old scars will remain, but by time you will also learn how to heal. So, in the jungle you can survive, so that is how you can survive with your instabilities but sometimes just sometimes you might fail, and when you fail, you consult someone, in the jungle world it will be the Lion as he can control every one, but in real life , its the closest animal to you!

The Girl With TheBlue Sweater

It was one of those sunny days and she was sitting on the swing reading as she usually does, the sky was bright and the weather was perfect and nothing could possibly go wrong and nothing what so ever could ruin the peace she was in. The smell of the summer filled her nose and the warmth of the sun touched her soul and all she was surrounded by was green grass and trees, the sound of birds filled up her ears it was like a pure sounds of violins, every thing was simply perfect. "Nothing can ever stop me from being me" She said to her self, while looking at the beautiful world around her. A  beautiful blue butterfly that was prettier then anything she have ever seen in her life, passed by her sight she gazed at it and then smiled, the butterfly crawled down until it gently touched her soft white hands, the girl smiled and had a feeling that she didn't have before, she closed her eyes to keep the beauty of the place she was in photographed in her memory.

Darkness, she saw darkness instead of keeping a memory of this beautiful place while she closed her eyes she saw darkness, she immediately opened her eyes in shock and fear. "How could this be" she thought to her self, she closed her eyes again but more carefully this time, and the darkness was gone. She opened her eyes again and in a relieved voice she said: " It's Probably Hallucinations" and she softly laughed. She continued reading her book, and while she was reading the same beuatiful blue butterfly passed again and touched her soft hands again and the girl was full of joy that such beautiful creature is by her side.

She closed her eyes one more time and again she saw darkness, she opened her eyes in shock and looked at the place around her, and she was still feeling the touch of the butterfly on her fingers, she was lost she didn't know what was wrong she never saw darkness in her imagination she have never even dreamed of darkness. She closed her eyes again to prove to her self that there was nothing wrong, but again she saw darkness, she saw her self lost in a dark forest and trying to find her way out she felt a feeling that she have never felt before, she quickly opened her eyes and looked around her again, and she was still feeling the butterfly soft touch on her fingers. The girl was in astonishment how could she have such a feeling when everything around her was completely perfect, the sun,the trees, the birds, the butterfly...."The butterfly" she said to her self, "It was there the first time I closed my eyes and it was gone when I closed it again, it was there when I closed  my eyes now and..." She stopped talking and looked at the butterfly and she didn't find it, so she decided to close her eyes again, and she did.

No more darkness, she didn't see darkness, she saw light. "It's the butterfly" she said to her self, "it was the reason of the darkness", but why? and how can such a beautiful creature cause so much pain and grief. She stopped for a second and looked at the beautiful world around her, and said  "Beauty doesn't have to be beautiful" , not every thing beautiful we see is really beautiful we might be fooled by appearance, and not everything that shines is real gold. That has to do with people too, not every one who looks beautiful and seems to be kind, caring and giving like this butterfly, really just wants to be next to you and help you, beauty is within the soul, and care is within the heart and takes more then just a second to know that, so at the end we are all fooled by what others are trying to make us believe. The girl closed her eyes one more time and she smiled and saw real beauty, beauty that comes from within and no matter how much we try we will never know what is the real beauty she saw the real beauty the puts a smile on her face,cause at the end every body has his own definition of beauty!

Bits & Pieces

So, I know it has been so long since my last post, it is just that I didn't feel like writing, although  I had so much in mind. I don't know what should I call the state I was in but it was close to a coma! Let's cut it short I am writing this post to talk about many things but what really triggered me to write again is something that have been bothering me in the past 5 days. A series of unwanted dreams or as may I call it a series of unwanted NIGHTMARES. For the 5th day on the row I am having a dream that is killing me, it is almost the same dream but with slight changes from one to another or even sometimes different but having the same meaning!

LONELINESS that is the core idea of my dreams, the fact that I am always alone and that I always have a problem of fitting in, and the fact that I am betrayed and left alone from people that I think they are close to my heart. The feeling of loneliness and worrying doesn't want to leave me alone I a m full of fear and this fear doesn't want to leave me alone. I need to feel safe so I can sleep, but I don't know what can possibly make me feel safe, while every thing around me gives me a feeling of fear and worry. Well Hope it stops soon and I do hope I can find the way back to my pillow again, cause I really miss it.

Another thing that is on my mind heavily these days is the fact that I miss my pen, or my Keyboard :), I just miss writing, Yesterday I was looking at my old poetry and my old articles and I asked myself " Why they hell did I stop writing?"  Writing was who I am and now I stopped knowing who I am, I lost my identity and I lost my soul.

Imagine yourself at a restaurant and you order your favorite mushroom steak, with vegetables and rice on the side *Yummy*, but when the order comes, you are shocked it is still a steak but not your favorite steak, the mushrooms are missing and your favorite garnishes are not there, you think and then say to yourself this is not a complete meal! This exactly how I am feeling; a plate of mushroom steak without mushrooms nor garnishes. I just need lots of things to complete me, these things are within me but maybe I am to scared to let them out or maybe they don't have a chance to get out or maybe I am even too lazy to get them out!

I just want my life to be complete and me writing again is one of the things that will sure add up to my life, I miss my critical eye that triggers me into writing even if I will write lame poetry or meaningless short stories, I know I have the talent and I know I have the passion but maybe I lost the enthusiasm. For me to be able to write again anod retain back my critical eye I have to start reading again like I used to, I have to widen my horizon, I have to be me again, Cause all the good things that makes me the best mushroom steak dish are gone they no longer exist and that is killing me.

A thing that I need to do, is starting listening to more music and new music that will certainly get me back on track again, and I desperately need a camera I need to take photos and learn photography all over again, I want to start seeing life in camera lens again. I need to get busy and most of all I need to have a freakin social life! I need to feel the fun of hanging out with friends at shopping malls going through cloths, I need to have lunch with a dear friend and start talking and laughing till our mouths get dry. I need to have someone I can go out with when I am feeling lonely and bored, and most of all I need someone to talk to!

Well that is it for now!